Dear Anonymous: It’s Not About You

Prop 8 is the proposed change to the California constitution to take away same-sex couples’ right to marry. Jennifer Morse is an official spokesperson for Prop 8. I was reading her blog the other day and ran across this response she had to a 19-year old gay kid. I posted a comment, too because frankly, I feel the same way the kid does. Nobody will probably read my comment over there, but since I spent some time on it I posted it here, you know, just in case there are any 19-year old gay Californians reading my blog. It could happen!

I am responding to an Anonymous comment

When I pass houses that proudly display the very misleading happy-go-lucky blue family and yellow-backdrop Yes on Prop 8 sign, I swell up with tears.

“I am 19 years old. I am gay.

What you, my fellow Californian and American, impose on me with the signs you display in front of your house is a feeling that I am not welcomed in your great society….In my perspective, I feel like I am walking past a bunch of “F*** YOU FAG!” signs… and although that is not what you intend, the unintentional goal was met – and quite forcefully.

Anonymous: We don’t hate you. We do welcome you. We think every legitimate objective of gay and lesbian citizens can be met without redefining marriage. We don’t think this campaign is primarily about you. We think it is about the meaning of marriage. 
I think it is tragic for you to go around thinking that millions of people hate you. They don’t agree with your views, but that’s life in a free society. We don’t hate you. 
Anonymous, you are young, and still forming your sense of yourself as a person. I truly hope your self-esteem does not depend on the voters of California!
I have an article on this, here. 
The facts are that gays and lesbians already had all the material benefits of marriage through the domestic partners laws. The gay lobby has chosen, for reasons best known to themselves, to make same sex marriage a great symbolic issue. But individual gays and lesbians can decide anything they want. You can look at those signs and see the largest single grass-roots campaign in the history of self-government. You can see families trying to protect their rights to raise their children in accordance with their values. 
Or you can look at those signs and take it personally, as if it is all about you. I feel quite confident in saying that it isn’t all about you. 
The supporters of Prop 8 are not trying to hurt you. Honest.

Dear Anonymous,

Don’t you feel better now that Dr. Morse has explained why you should accept this giant grass roots effort’s ceiling on equality? Take it from me, it will be much easier to get comfortable with their honest “not hate” of you if you do the following:

Step 1: Repeat to yourself at least 1,000 times, “it’s not about me, it’s not about me.”

Step 2: Repeat to yourself: Prop 8 supporters lovingly considered all of my “legitimate objectives.” Once is probably enough on that one.

Step 3: If you start to doubt that the statement you are repeating in Step 2 is true or begin to wonder why only Prop 8 supporters get to decide which of your objectives are legitimate, simply repeat Step 1.

Step 4: Forget about Prop 8 supporters ever agreeing with you. In fact, you should stop waiting for Prop 8 supporters to love you unconditionally or to even accept you for who you are. The former is a Christian ideal that Jesus managed to live out, but that the Church hasn’t quite been up to tackling yet. The latter isn’t possible either because biblically you are an abomination – sorry 😦

Step 5. Surround yourself with friends and family who love and accept you. You need lots of love. Lots. Even more than normal when you have to listen to all that you have to listen to during this election cycle. Be with people (gay or straight) who will help you nurture the long-term committed relationship you might choose. Choose to invest time in people (gay or straight) who will be positive role models for you as you learn to be a good spouse and potentially a parent. It is very important that you understand that you are precious, wonderful and amazing just as you are. It might also help to know that there are lots of loving people in your state who know you are not an abomination – yay! 🙂

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